Breaking Points & Letting God Take Control

Today.

It's been rough.

Yesterday.

More so.

I have been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and I didn't really know what to do. I felt so out of control. Overwhelmed. At a breaking point. I just wanted to roll into a ball and cry. Yesterday a thought that crossed my head was how easy death would be compaired to life. Not that I would ever commit suicide. But the only thing I thought was, how I would much rather be in Heaven right now then be on Earth.

Then, while I was writing this update. I was going to just go on and on about how I can't handle life right now. And that living at my parents house is stretching me thin.

But then I realized...I just need to give everything to Papa. I just need to hand over all of my problems to God. Because He is in complete control. My life is in His hand. The King of Kings loves me. And I love Him! I need to just put all of my trust in Him.

If I just cling to the cross.

I know that everything will be fine. That while I may feel like I am stumbling in the dark. That Jesus is my guiding light. That if I just look upon Him, I will get through it. This is just a sea. A stormy sea, that Jesus will calm. I am inviting Him in. Onto the boat so He may calm the storm.

Just writing this down. I feel so much better.

God is in control. He is all over this problem.

And I totally know He will calm this.

I am so blessed to be loved by the God of the universe.

God Bless.

It's Been A While

Name: Kassy
Age: 21
Subject: Update

So, it's been a while since I have written anything on here. In fact I should have read my last blog to see how long it really has been. But I am just going to do a little updating.

I live at home. I have my own room now. I am MOD at my work. And I now am in possession of a laptop computer.

Is that good enough?

Well. I don't really know what else to say. I have kind of been a little more then a little stressed out lately. I work, constantly. And I have to deal with my family. And as much as I love both, it can get pretty stressful.

Work. Well, work is work. I do my job. I have to listen to drama. And I do it well. I try my hardest, however useless it seems. But I love my job. It's fun. I like...most...of the people I work with. And the rest, I deal with. I try to be as nice as possible. But sometimes...it's a little overwhelming and I feel like exploding. It's not even just my coworkers. Sometimes, having more responsibilities at work can be exhausting. Especially when it comes to dealing with customers. Complaints, obsessive projects, and wrong locations of sale signs. All turn into a big ordeal of why can't I have this sale, and if you don't give me it, I won't return. No, no one has ever actually told me that to my face, but I am sure that they think it.

Family. Well. They are...family. It's hard to deal with them sometimes. Well, ok. Mostly just my little sister and brother. My parents...are easy enough. It's just...I don't know. A lot to handle. Always feeling like I'm not good enough and if I act like myself, they will tear me to pieces. And when I say myself, I mean myself. As in my kingdom citizen self. As in my Jesus Loving Heart....self. But I deal. Or I do as good as I can.

Is life tough? Oh yeah. But I try my hardest. I haven't really been spending as much time with God as I usually do, and I think that is partly because...I am afraid. Getting too close. I don't really know. Once I get close, I back away. Is that normal?

I don't really know.

Eh. It's ok. Life will get better....I hope.

I have faith that it will.

Well, TA TA for now!

Kass

Honesty.

Name: Kassy
Age: 21
Subject: Honesty.

Honesty, is honestly really hard to come by these days. You can say you are being honest, but most of the time you like to sugar coat the truth just to make sure you don't hurt someone. Not saying you should come right out and hurt someones feelings by being harsh and insensitive, but seriously. Just think about it.

I have this friend. And she is pretty flippin awesome. Her name is Ashley. And me and her are ridiculously honest with each other. Like, straight up. If I say something she doesn't like, she will tell me. If I say something she doesn't like, she will tell me. We are super honest with each other. And I guess I got so used to me and her being like that, however it stopped for a while but at first it was that way, that when people aren't being straight forward...it kind of irritates me.

I have another friend. Who, for some reason wasn't being completely honest. Or just didn't want to say how he felt. To another friend. We were all asked to be somewhere and then we found out that we weren't there for what we thought we were. And well, this friend...you could tell...pretty much thought that it was a waste of time. Or that he had come for no reason. Which we did, but that isn't the point. He almost said it, but then backed down, left the room, and kind of brought it up with someone else. Not the person he had originally been talking to.

And that infuriated me. I was like, " HEY! Why don't you just say what you really think?" I kind of guess I don't understand. I suppose that there are times and places for the kind of straight forward honesty I am talking about, but to not say how you feel altogether? I don't know. I think I might care about this person too much. It's not really any of my business at all either. I guess I just wish that they would say what they think and feel.

Is that just a guy thing? Is this thing that I am going through just a girl thing? I don't really know. And I don't really know how I feel about it. I think I should just stop caring. Perhaps?

I think I just care about this person too much. How he feels, and what he thinks. Too darn much. Just thought I should vent a little. It helps. For reals.

I just wish people would say what they really feel and think without skating around the straight forward truth. It gets too confusing. Well, yeah. I'm done talking.

God Bless.

A New Chapter.

Name: Kassy.
Age: 21.
Subject: New Days.

I have officially moved into my moms house. After hours and hours of packing...and mostly cleaning....I am done and now living with my mom.

INSANE!

Oh, and when I say cleaning....I mean.....CLEANING! Insane, ridiculously INSANE cleaning. DEEP cleaning. SUPER deep cleaning. Goodness. Literally spent hours upon hours of cleaning. I did more cleaning then packing.

But I had so MUCH stuff. I gave away almost all of my furniture due to lack of space and not wanting to pay $85 for my cruddy furniture to be kept in storage...totally NOT worth it.

I am TIRED! But blessed. I love my Papa SO much.

But for now, I am done talking. I want to chill with the fam. I, hopefully, will be writing more. But for now....

God Bless.

Another Year.

Name: Kassy
Age: 21
Topic: Rejection.

So, all of you know...I applied at BSSM. Unfortunately I was...

DENIED

And you know. It's ok. I found out a while ago...but I just got to writing a new blog. At first I was hurt. Because my heart was set on going. But sometimes...God's plans just....overrule....yours. And I am okay with that.

So here I am. Another year in Astoria...or really....I guess I should put more updates...

I am moving out of my apartment still. Why you may ask? Because I can't afford my rent anymore. It has become too expensive. So...I am moving in with my mom. Whoopie!

Well, truly I am excited. Because I am blessed to have a family that will bring me in and let me save money for when I get to move out again...which may not be for another year. And I get to decorate a room! Which is exciting. Because it's going to look amazing! I am super psyched.

So, another year in my home town. Am I excited? Sure. Because apparently God wants me here still for some reason. Why? I honestly don't know. For reals. SO I am pretty much flying by the seat of my pants.

I was going to go on a tangent about rejection and how I feel rejected and ignored a lot...but then I realized that I would be pretty much just throwing myself a pity party. I do however want to talk about what I have been feeling lately...if you can handle it.

Lately...I feel like my emotions have been out of control. Like...crazy out of control. I have been oversensitive...and....excuse my french...super duper pissed off....A LOT! Especially today. I don't know why. Or how. Or even when. It's just like....I have been so upset lately. I don't know if it's because I feel ignored. Or not wanted around. Or what. But I have just been super upset. I don't know why. And really....that's mostly it.

I am done.

God Bless.

You Were Born For Such A Time As This.

Name: Kassy
Age: TWENTY-ONE!
Topic: Our Purpose.

So yeah. As of May 27th, I am now 21 years old. Not a really big thing really. Just another birthday. But still. I had a birthday. And it kind of feels weird to be "legal." Haha. I just decided that I wanted to ramble a little about my birthday. It wasn't huge. I didn't do a lot. But still, it was my birthday. Haha.

Back on topic. We were all born for a purpose. That's right. You weren't just an accident, you weren't a mistake. Well, okay, so maybe you were an accident. But you were an accident for a reason. I was an accident. But it doesn't mean I don't have a purpose. It doesn't mean that my purpose has changed just because I was born out of wedlock in an unexpected manner. As actually, most of us are. But yes my dear readers. We were all born for a purpose.

I have really been loving the song, "The Anthem" by Jake Hamilton. There is this one line that just gets me every single time. "I am royalty. I have destiny. I have been set free. I'm gonna shape history!" Yes yes. I am going Christian again. And yes Miss Tiffany if you are reading this, my blog is very Christian. You want to know why?! Because I want it to be. Or really, I actually don't mean for it to be. It just is. Because it's who I am. It's what my life is.

My life isn't mine. It's God's. I don't live for me anymore. I live for my Papa God. Because he is amazing and I would not be here, I would not be who I am, I don't even know if I would be alive, if it weren't for him. That's right. I am darn proud of my faith. Not saying that people who don't shout it off their rooftops aren't proud of their faith, this is just who I am. Loud and in your face. Yup.

So again, off of my ramblings. Purposes. We have a purpose. What's your purpose? I have NO clue. You know who knows? Papa. He knows. Because he knows everything about you. Oh yeah. Everything. All the details. Freaky right? Not really. Because once you know he knows that. You have nothing to hide from him. Because you can't really. But that isn't even the point. The point is. Papa.

My purpose. Is to live for God. To worship him in my life. To have a worshipping lifestyle. I worship him through music and song. I worship him through my photography. [And that...is a whole other subject...which I talked about a little bit...but there is SO much more.]

We are a generation of change. [No I am not talking about Obama people...yeah...not even touching that subject...lol...people and their anti-christ theories...anyway.] We are in a generation of the most abortions, the most pain, the most depression, the most...almost everything. But we were born for a purpose. We are a generation that is on fire for God. Everything that Satan puts up against us...God brings back a hundred fold. Which I personally find SO very beautiful. Because God is always FOR us.

Honestly, I don't even know what I am getting at right now. I feel like rambling on and on about how amazing you are. Yeah, that's right. You! Whoever you are. Reading this. YOU ARE AMAZING! You are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are beautiful...or handsome in the case of a man...unless you don't mind being called beautiful. I can not even explain to you how much that your Papa God loves you. He FIERCLY loves you. He passionately, fiercly, and deeply loves you. Agape. Unconditional. 1 Corinthians 13. Replace Love for God. Because God is Love.

So yeah. I am just on a kick where I want everyone to know how wonderful they are. Because I have just been realizing how wonderful I am. And I am not even saying that in a conceited way. It's just how Papa sees me. And he sees you the same way.

Well, I just wanted you to know. I know this is random. And I don't even know what else to say. So I am going to end my ramblings right now.

God Bless.

Taking Chances On Dreams.

Name: Kassy
Age: 20
Purpose: To write.

So, there is nothing really particular on my mind right now. But dreams. I have some of the craziest dreams ever. Not like, I am sleeping and dreaming, kind of dreams. But the kind that you just think up. Like, oh, my dream is to be a singer. I want to be a firefighter. Or a police officer. Lately, I have realized that I am a big ol' dreamer.

Too many people these days lose sight of their dreams. When you are little, it is so easy to have a big dream. But then people and reality crush them. I always see little girls who just want to be princess'. But then someone tells them, "Oh honey. You aren't really a princess." Then you see the gleam in their eyes diminish. Because all they really wanted to be...was a princess. Or little boys who want to be super heros. Who run around in their capes and just want to save the world, because that is just what super heros do. But then they are told, "There is no such thing as a super hero! Grow UP! Be a man. Not a child." And that little sparkle. The one that you love to see, oh so much, is gone. And it makes me sad.

People dream. And those dreams are what created this country in the first place. Those dreams are what created everything that we have right now. Someone thought that they can do it. So they did. And to take that away from children is down right horrible. Yes, in reality there aren't really super heros. And in reality there aren't very many "real" princess'. But do you really want to see that sparkle go away. The one where it shows their hearts desires. That love in their eyes. The one that says, "HEY! I just want to know that I am important!" Everyone deserves to have a dream. Even if reality says that it just will never happen. Everyone deserves it. To have that desire. To have the sparkle in their eye. And I just love to dream.

I think I should be an entrepreneur. Or something. I have so many thoughts. So many crazy ideas. And they make me happy. To just think of it on the spot. To have this crazy dream to open my own shop and be creative. To maybe one day design my own wedding dress. To sing in front of an audience on a big stage. I have LOTS of dreams. And yes there are SO jumbled in my mind that I don't even know where to go with them. But it's SO much fun to think about. One of my favorite things to dream about is weddings, due to a friend of mine getting married soon.

I want to design my own dress. I want my colors to be dark purple and a light lime green. I want everything to be simple but elegant and maybe a little bit of modern vintage thrown in somewhere. I see myself in a beautiful hillside with a gorgeous backdrop and a cross behind us. With everyone important around me. You look one side and you see my family and friends, you look on the other side and you see my fiances family and his friends. And then just the pure love in our eyes when we say "I do." Then you go to the reception. Where everything will be translated beautifully. All of the namecards will be on cupcakes in a jar. And there will be this 2 maybe 3 layer cake as the wedding cake. We will have our first dance on a wooden dancefloor under the stars to the song, "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North. And everything will be perfect. Simple, elegant, and beautiful. It's my dream.

Or really, A dream. I have too many to count. And I think that everyone should dream. Everyone should take chances on their dreams. Because the moment you lose sight of your dreams. The moment you lose that sparkle. Is the moment that you lose yourself. Because it's your heart. Your dreams are in your heart. Your dreams come from your heart. And I just wish that everyone could just keep their dreams.

Keep that childlike quality to yourself. Because it keeps you alive. Be an adult, but be a child at heart.

Me personally. I love being a kid. I love Disney. And I love coloring in coloring books. I love bubble wands and playing outside. I love to play tether ball. And I love to just play with dogs. I love to sing silly songs and worship in the woods. I love staring at the stars and getting my breath taken away by the awesome expanse of beauty laid out before me. I love, love, and everything that love comes with. I love exploring God's creation and being astounded.

I love being a child. Because it helps me appreciate things more. To see things in a way that most don't see. And it's a shame because we all deserve to be able to do that. Don't let anyone take your youth away from you by saying, "Grow up! You need to see reality and what it is." The reality is, that you can still be an adult and make grown-up decisions and have a childs heart. It's probably one of the most beautiful things ever. The innocence in children. It makes me happy.

God Bless.